陈小宁的博客

如果门不当户不对

世界上有许多确定性存在，虽然它是处在不确定性的的对立面，但却是不可缺少的，因为确定性虽然是常人所希望的， 但如果没有不确定性自然也没有进取而言了。

北京有许多大饭店菜肴非常有特色，服务更是一绝，但一直都很低调，懂行的人知道，这些饭店与普通的饭店有所不同，除了操控人非常固定，且服务人员也在很长一段时期内没有变化，就如一个保密性非常强的机关，所有参与人员除了经过严格的筛选和培训，更重要的是可能还会带有特殊的任务。可是，为了某种经济上的目的或需要接触社会，因此，也以普通社会经营面貌出现在常人面前。

内行人看门道外行人看热闹。北京东北角的一家饭店位于一个建筑物的三层，主打川菜，吃过的人都赞不绝口。那里的服务员就像是被精心挑选过的，年轻漂亮不说，除了服务到位外，还能歌善舞，可以根据客人的需要进入包间为客人唱歌。歌曲以老歌为主，节奏明显，慷慨激昂，非常励志，也很好听，一听就能听出歌手经过很好的训练，唱出来都带着感情。

因为看着服务员的装扮和外表形象都很类似，加上她们看客人的眼神都是躲躲闪闪，出于好奇就主动过去搭讪，在除去对方戒备后开始了一点沟通。原来，她们都来自一个号称同一阵营的国家，外出工作是国家选派的，这里同级别服务人员都属于一个固定的团体，所有行动都由带队的领导统一安排，不论休息还是休假，就如军队的管理方式，她们的护照等证件自然也是由领导统一管理。

问起她们的生活，她说这里各种条件很好，工作也很顺手，没有太多的压力，平时和同事们一起出入，也都习惯了。只是很久没有和家人联系，也有想家的感觉。说起来五六年期间只和家里通过一次信，显然，作为家里的宝贝有些失落。

问起收入，她自己没有什么特别关注。按照我们以往的概念，在外面工作可以多挣一些以补贴家用，但是这恰恰不是当事人的概念，她说我们来这里工作首先是基于国家对我们的信任，其次，所挣来的工资收入都属于国家，不是个人财产，个人所的多寡是由管理者分配，无论如何都是合理的，自然也用不着由个人去关心。

别看这些人看起来很单纯，但是政治观念完全不含糊，当提起与她们具有相同语言的另外一部分时，她们不光有警惕，更有满腔怒火向着那些同胞，说他们是敌人，与自己完全没有共同之处，是非分明完全没有半点回旋的余地，就这样在自己的圈子里自得其乐。

本是同根生，相煎何太急。水火不相容就是所谓阵营的差别。其实，对于这种特殊的打工群体，为上级积攒财富的同时，耳濡目染一定能听到世外之音，也能看出自己做法与周围人的区别或差异，不过，已经形成的世界观加上严格的规章制度也限制了接触外界的机会，只能随波浊流飘向自己的远方。好在心中没有过多的疑惑，也有心安理得的理由。

这是与人相处格格不入的局面，相互不能理解就如婚姻中一样门不当户不对一样，看似郎才女貌，但在生活中因为有着完全不同的观念和习惯，如果再都以各自的意志行事，目标就很难一致，更别说能够找到共同点把家庭维持在能够向上的局面。

人在社会不只是一个个体，而是群体中的一员，因此，总要学会与他人交往，更要学会彼此扶持、相互帮衬。婚姻中有各式各样的因素形成人与人的交集，其中三观应该是最有影响力的几个因素。除了三观不合外，缺乏相容性，与他人格格不入，靠什么能继续前行呢。

明眼人都知道，有些联姻是出于政治目的，当然还有相当一部分出于经济目的，所谓肥水不流外人田在这里也能得到很好的诠释。婚姻虽然只是两个人的事，但联姻则会把两个群体连接成一个阵营。此时的郎才女貌只是一种表象，情人眼里出西施也不过是一种托辞。可以有仇恨使相爱的人不能有美好的结果，政见不同、宗教冲突都会给爱情划出界限，使心破碎一地。

大多数情况下，门当户对可以使生活变得简单，也会在长久的生活中减少许多麻烦，因此也是大多数人在追求和向往的。不过，优良的基因突破也可以来自异族通婚，这都是现实。

**When There’s a Disparity in Background**

There are many certainties in the world. Although certainty stands in opposition to uncertainty, it remains indispensable. While certainty is something that most people desire, without uncertainty, there would be no motivation for progress.

In Beijing, there are many restaurants with very distinctive dishes and exceptional service, but they maintain a low profile. Those in the know understand that these restaurants are different from ordinary ones. Not only are the people in control very stable, but the service staff also remain unchanged for long periods of time. It’s like a highly confidential organization, where everyone involved is rigorously selected and trained. More importantly, they may also carry special tasks. However, for certain economic purposes or the need to connect with society, these establishments present themselves as ordinary businesses to the public.

Insiders look at the essence, while outsiders look at the spectacle. A restaurant in the northeast corner of Beijing, located on the third floor of a building, specializes in Sichuan cuisine. Everyone who has dined there sings its praises. The waitstaff seem meticulously selected, not only young and beautiful but also providing impeccable service. Additionally, they can sing and dance, entering private dining rooms to perform upon request. Their songs, mostly old classics, have strong rhythms and are stirring, uplifting, and pleasant to hear. You can tell just from listening that the singers are well-trained, delivering their performances with emotion.

Because the waitstaff’s appearance and attire are quite similar, and their gaze toward customers is often evasive, I approached one out of curiosity. After easing her wariness, we had a brief conversation. It turned out they all come from a country that claims to be part of the same camp. Their jobs abroad are arranged by the state, and at this level, all service personnel belong to a fixed group, with all actions directed by their team leaders. Whether on breaks or vacations, they are managed like a military unit. Naturally, their passports and other documents are also controlled by their supervisors.

When asked about her life, she said the conditions here are good, the work is easy, and there isn’t much pressure. She’s used to going out with her colleagues, and it’s become a routine. However, she hasn’t contacted her family in a long time and misses home. She mentioned that in the five or six years since she’s been abroad, she has only communicated with her family once, which leaves her feeling somewhat disheartened as the cherished daughter of the family.

When asked about her income, she didn’t seem to care much. According to the traditional concept we’ve had, working abroad usually means earning more to support the family. But that wasn’t her mindset at all. She said that the primary reason for working here is the state’s trust in them, and secondly, all the wages they earn belong to the state, not to them personally. The amount they receive is distributed by their managers, and no matter what, it’s considered fair, so there’s no need for her to be concerned about it.

Though these people may seem simple, their political beliefs are crystal clear. When the subject of another group of people who speak the same language came up, they not only showed caution but also expressed deep hostility toward those compatriots, labeling them as enemies. They believed they had nothing in common and were unequivocally opposed, leaving no room for compromise. Within their own circle, they remained content with their situation.

“We were born from the same root, so why so eager to harm one another?” This proverb reflects the tension between camps. In fact, this special labor group, while accumulating wealth for their superiors, must surely also overhear outside voices and recognize the differences between their own practices and those of others around them. However, their entrenched worldview, along with strict regulations, limits their opportunities to engage with the outside world. They can only drift along in the murky waters toward their distant destination. At least they have no doubts in their hearts and have found peace in their sense of duty.

This situation parallels a marriage where the backgrounds don’t match, like a union where "a good match" doesn’t exist. Even if it appears on the surface that the couple is well-matched, if they hold entirely different beliefs and habits, and if both insist on following their own wills, it becomes difficult to find common ground or to steer the family toward a positive direction.

People are not merely individuals in society but are part of a collective, so they must learn to interact with others and to support one another. In marriage, various factors shape the connection between people, but shared values tend to have the greatest influence. Without this compatibility, and when personalities and habits clash, what can sustain the relationship?

It’s obvious to those who are observant that some marriages are formed for political purposes, while many others are motivated by economics. The saying “Don’t let the fat water flow into others’ fields” (meaning keep wealth within the family) is well illustrated here. While marriage is a matter between two people, an arranged marriage often binds two groups into one camp. In such cases, the outward appearance of compatibility is just a facade, and the phrase “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” becomes a convenient excuse. Hatred, political differences, or religious conflicts can prevent love from achieving a happy outcome, breaking hearts into pieces.

In most cases, a well-matched marriage simplifies life and reduces many troubles over time, which is why most people pursue and long for such relationships. However, genetic diversity and breakthroughs can also arise from intermarriages between different groups—this is also a reality.