陈小宁的博客

新老伴的麻烦

一日傍晚，一辆亮着警灯警车的停在村里的路上，这显然不像谁家有急病人打报警电话后来的警车，虽然到来的速度一样，但通常不需要亮警灯，因为他只是来查看情况，等待随后而来的救护车。这次救护车随后也来了，但情况完全不同。我小心翼翼地驾车从旁边经过，只看到走来走去的人和站在原地呼叫的警察，周围一片狼藉，路灯的碎片散落在摇摇欲坠的灯柱旁。

两个小时后我又经过此地，还有几个人仍在原地，有路旁的屋主，也有散步的行人，出于好奇我也停下来，因为认识空调损坏的屋主，刚好之前也有其他问题交流，就聊了起来。期间也有许多邻居路过此地，或是听说了这件事，或是看到有人聚集就停下来听听。

事情的原委是这样，同一条街同侧的三家邻居，按门牌号顺序排成A，B，C。A家的是老美白人老太太，崭新的宝马X5；B和C都是老中，是此次事件的受害者，B家被撞坏了后阳台，阳台墙体受损，屋檐支柱被撞斜；C家的两套空调系统的压缩机全部被撞飞。捎带着还有公共设施的损坏，路灯灯柱被蹭，路灯全部撞下来，以及地下的网络电视接线盒损坏。

经过事情还原完全是失控造成的意外。宝马车是从A家的门前停车位倒车上路，原来是应该向左后在路上转九十度的弯，在面向村口的方向改为前行，可是不知什么原因失控了，车子倒车不但没有停住，反而变成加大油门向后继续倒车，结果在B家和C家之间再次向左后转了九十度，此时车身侧面曾到灯柱，不但没有停下来， 反而一路高速撞倒了电视网络接线箱后，再走十米撞向C家的空调压缩机，最后，又一个十来米再次偏向左后方直到撞上B家的后院阳台的一侧才被阻挡而停车。显然这场事故是因为把油门当刹车踩下，并惊慌失措打方向盘所致。

驾车的正是A家主人，这个老太太个子很矮，相对于宝马X5来说更显的人小车大，可能也是脚在油门和刹车踏板不得力的一个原因。听路人说没准还有另一个原因就是老太太最近在谈一个新男朋友。老太太的老伴前不久刚刚去世，而在很短的时间内老太太就忙了起来。不能不说此次意外对于一个长者来说，要不是心神不定应该不会发生，特别是在非常熟悉的路段。

住在老年社区，随着岁数越来越大，失去亲人是很常见的事实，有的因为意外，更多的是因为比较严重的疾病。失去亲人对一个家庭来说是件很悲伤的事，特别是老了之后的伴侣。不过，对于老美来说，看似很和谐的一对老人很可能都不是初婚的爱人。这与他们的婚姻观和家庭观念有很大的关系。

婚姻的基础是爱情，也可以说是情爱。听到网上一个段子，区分东方西方的婚姻也可以从爱和情这两个字的侧重不同来判断，东方人讲究的是情，中式爱情包含着缠绵和理智，由于它是基于农业文明土壤中生长出来的，所以更强调的是关系的稳定。而西方的爱情所表现出来的是直接的和浪漫的，象是出自波涛汹涌的大海，因此，倾向于个人的自由。

就是这种基于文化的不同，使得在丧偶之后表现出更大的不同。东方人丧偶之后不仅对子女有一个很好的安排，对双方的家庭除了依旧保持关系外，在很多情形下还继续履行原来所承诺的义务，即便是有再婚的可能也会维持着与原配偶家庭之间的关系。而西方人在丧偶之前就可能有多段的婚姻，子女自成年之后也都有各自独立的生活，每年唯一可能相聚的就只有感恩节，更不要说丧偶之后会早早地开始寻找下一个伴侣或关系密切的男女朋友。这恐怕与这次意外的车祸无不相关，难怪很多人不能理解为事故何会发生。

试想一下，如果一个家里的兄弟或姐妹来自异父或异母，那他们的关系比起那些同父又同母的兄弟姐妹来说能有多近？血浓于水是不变的真理，对于有兄弟姐妹的人来说，兄弟姐妹是父母给自己的最无价的礼物，因为父母老了、不在了，还有兄弟姐妹的关系会陪你到老，这是最牢固的关系，而父母混乱的关系会使子女之间的亲密关系大打折扣，因为子女自己老了也会如此。

人有向往自由的愿望，也有追求幸福的权力，但都要建立在不影响他人、不会给别人带来麻烦的基础上。车祸的发生虽然只是个意外，但也有心神不定的影响和心不在焉的可能，好在没有人员伤亡，只能祝愿大家都平安，早早修复损坏的物品，包括这辆崭新的肇事车。

Trouble with the New Companion

One evening, a police car with its lights flashing stopped on a village road. This was clearly not a case of someone having called for an ambulance due to a medical emergency, though the speed of its arrival was similar. Normally, in such cases, the police wouldn’t have their lights flashing because they would just be there to assess the situation while waiting for the ambulance. This time, however, the ambulance did arrive later, but the situation was quite different. As I cautiously drove past the scene, I saw people walking around and a few police officers standing in place calling out. The surroundings were a mess, with shards of streetlamp glass scattered around the tilted lamp post.

Two hours later, I passed by again. A few people were still there, some homeowners, others pedestrians. Out of curiosity, I also stopped because I knew the homeowner whose air conditioning was broken. We had exchanged a few words earlier about other problems, so we started chatting. During that time, many neighbors also passed by, some because they had heard about the incident, others simply drawn by the gathering of people.

Here’s what had happened: On the same street, three neighboring homes, A, B, and C, were involved, listed in order by house number. The homeowner of A was an elderly white American lady who owned a brand-new BMW X5. B and C were the victims in this incident. B’s back porch had been hit, damaging the porch wall and tilting the eaves’ pillars. C’s two air conditioning units had their compressors knocked out. Additionally, public property was damaged—a streetlight pole was grazed, and the light was knocked out completely. The underground network TV connection box was also destroyed.

After reconstructing the events, it became clear that it was an accident caused by loss of control. The BMW had reversed from the parking spot in front of A’s house. It should have turned 90 degrees left onto the road to face the direction of the village entrance, but for some reason, the driver lost control. Instead of stopping, the car continued to accelerate in reverse, making another 90-degree left turn between B and C’s homes. At this point, the car's side scraped the streetlight post but didn’t stop. It sped on, knocking over the TV network box before crashing into C’s air conditioning compressors. Finally, after another ten meters, the car veered left again and smashed into the side of B’s backyard porch, only stopping when it hit the porch structure. The accident was obviously due to the driver mistaking the gas pedal for the brake and panicking while steering.

The driver was the homeowner of A, the elderly lady. She was very short, and next to the large BMW X5, her small stature was even more apparent, possibly contributing to her difficulty managing the pedals. Passersby speculated that another possible factor might be that the lady had recently started seeing a new boyfriend. Her previous partner had passed away not long ago, and shortly after, she became busy with this new relationship. It’s hard to deny that this accident, for someone her age, might have occurred because she was emotionally unsettled, especially in such a familiar area.

Living in a retirement community, losing a partner becomes more common with age, whether due to an accident or, more often, serious illness. Losing a loved one is always painful for a family, especially when it's a long-time partner. However, for Americans, what appears to be a harmonious elderly couple may not actually be their first marriage. This has much to do with their views on marriage and family.

Marriage is based on love, or one might say affection. I once heard a joke online about how one can differentiate between Eastern and Western marriages by the emphasis on either "love" or "affection." Easterners tend to focus on affection. Chinese love involves both tenderness and rationality. It grows from the soil of an agricultural civilization, so it emphasizes stability in relationships. Western love, on the other hand, is direct and romantic, as if it arises from the surging seas, leaning more toward personal freedom.

This cultural difference is what leads to such varying responses after the loss of a spouse. Easterners, after losing a spouse, not only ensure good care for their children but also maintain relationships with both families and often continue to fulfill the obligations they previously committed to. Even if remarriage is possible, they will maintain their connections with the deceased spouse’s family. In contrast, Westerners may have gone through several marriages before the loss of a spouse, and their children live independently once they reach adulthood. The only time they might gather each year is Thanksgiving, making it even more likely that after the loss of a spouse, they will quickly begin searching for a new companion or close relationship. This is likely related to the car accident and might explain why many couldn’t understand how it happened.

Imagine, if siblings come from different fathers or mothers, how close can their relationship be compared to those who share both parents? "Blood is thicker than water" remains an unchanging truth. For those with siblings, they are the most precious gift from their parents, for when the parents are old or gone, the sibling relationship will be the one that lasts. It’s the most solid bond, while chaotic parental relationships can weaken the closeness between siblings, since they will likely repeat their parents’ patterns as they age.

People have a desire for freedom and a right to pursue happiness, but these must be based on not affecting others or causing trouble for anyone. Although the accident was an accident, emotional instability and distraction might have played a role. Fortunately, there were no injuries. One can only wish for everyone’s safety and a speedy repair of the damages, including the brand-new car that caused the crash.